2018 was a year of growing pains.
Yeah, that’s my way of succinctly summarizing my year. It was a frustrating period where I was definitely pushed to my limits.
Looking back, I realized the growth I made and how I came to terms with a lot of hard truths.
Dealing With Unmet Expectations
In 2017, I had plans that didn’t come to fruition in 2018. One of main setbacks was GodSpeed. I wanted to move forward with this project, yet writer’s block and self-doubt prevented me from making any real progress. I don’t know if I’ll continue with the project in 2019, considering my current predicament and other projects that demand more of my attention.
In fact, poetry as a whole was put on the back burner this year. Although it wasn’t my intention, it gave me a chance to flex my other skills and learn new ones. I do hope to gain some sort of balance in the new year. One of my weaknesses as an artist is self-discipline. My desire to do everything often stops me from actually getting anything done. If there’s one thing I learned from 2018, is that I need to develop some sort of routine to hold myself accountable.
It’s All Vanity
One phrase that has whispered in the back of my head for a while now it “it’s all vanity.”
A biblical phrase from the Book of Ecclesiastes, I can’t help but view life as an atom in the ocean of eternity. So many things that I wanted to accomplish this year didn’t get accomplished. I’ve gotten so accustomed to failure that I wasn’t shocked to find that there weren’t that many victories for me to claim. And even in the midst of my trials, I wasn’t completely broken down. Part of the reason being that this isn’t all there is to life.
One day, all of my art will become forgotten archives in the Internet database. All of my writing will
remain unread to a future audience. Me wanting a job, a girlfriend, and a sense of direction will all fade with age. As someone who is prone to panic, it gave me some sense of clarity during these confusing times.
I have to start living with eternity in mind. Because that’s where I’ll be spending most of my time anyway.
I’m glad that I can be 2018 behind me. I’m glad that I can look forward to the next 365 days. I don’t know what to expect, but I do have some goals that I want to fulfill.
I want to move forward with my artistry. I’ve done plenty of meandering and it’s time to plant my stake in the ground.
I need to cultivate a solid following. I know what I’m good at and what I can provide to my audience. I just need the same audience to respond back and support me through my endeavors.
I want to be in a commited relationship in 2019. A bit of wishful thinking, I know. But I reached the end of my relationship with singleness and I need to move on to something better.
Most of all, I desire more growth. More opportunities to be a better me. I hope 2019 is the year I finally grow from past pains. It’s long overdue.