Where do I go from here?
Greetings, random reader. If by luck or God’s grace you made it to this post, then I hope you stick around for a while. You see, there’s a lot going on right now. My mind is a battlefield and the conflict gets more complicated each day.
Just so you know, August 6 is my graduation date. It’s a day that I wondered about since I first stepped foot on a college campus. I was a young, confused 16-year-old who had to balance high school and college. It was a lot to handle, and even now I look to the future with uncertain eyes.
I’m at this point in my life where everything seems to be going in two different directions. I’m currently finishing up my last semester of college. I should be excited about walking across that stage, but the celebration can only last so long. After the festivities are over, I need to essentially survive the adult world. Honestly, I don’t know what will happen after August 6.
When I first started college, I figured things would be different. I would make better friends, grow in my Christian walk, and mature as a man. Hell, I even could have an amazing girlfriend. But sadly, these dreams haven’t come to fruition. My Facebook friends grew in number, but not in effectiveness. To this day, I lack any worthwhile female companionship. And I wonder if it’s a curse that I will always remain the same person.
It’s like I’m back to where I started. A summer of darkness, loneliness, and depression. I haven’t picked up my Bible in ages. I’ve fallen away from community and I’m picking bad habits that I should have buried years ago. All of this because I’m obsessed with August 6.
I feel like I’ll most likely die alone.
I feel like most of my friends I made in college will leave.
I feel like I’m going to crash and burn in the real world.
I feel like I have a lot to live for and a lot to lose.
I feel like my 20s will be a roller coaster of failures and decent days.
I’m probably writing all this to gain a grip on my slipping sanity. Perhaps I need to just write to the Internet. Maybe someone will respond. Or at least sympathize behind a glowing screen. I’m not used to all this freedom. Not used to someone holding my hand or planning out my steps for me.
In the midst of my dark times, a creative spark glowed in the distance. I never thought I’d be writing two poetry books simultaneously. I’m actually writing for fun again and reading stories without deadlines. I started a band (only me at the moment) and I want to actually pursue music after college. I even started a publication here on Medium (which you should join, just saying). It’s weird that I’ve been this productive for the first time in years. It’s nice to pursue creativity in a way where I’m not chained to school curriculum, August 6 can’t come soon enough.
So here I am, at a crossroads. I don’t know if you feel the same fears that I’m facing. Maybe you have been in the same situation that I’m in now. Maybe you are a senior that is about to take that blind leap of faith into adulthood. There’s so much to look forward to, but optimism is hiding behind bills, job searches, and complicated relationships.
If one more person asks me if I’m ready to graduate, my response will be this: I’m extremely terrified, buy I’ve never been more excited to live for once.
Hey everyone. If you gave this a read, please hit the heart button and leave a comment below. I would definitely appreciate feedback and any suggestions on what to do next. You can reach me on Twitter (@brotherhumbled) or email (firstname.lastname@example.org).