Imagine an athlete that received an injury that prevented him from playing in a game. He wasn’t the best player, but he was a dedicated one. Always showing up to practice, never hogging the ball, and had no problem sitting on the sidelines when the time came. As he lays in the hospital bed, he dreams of one day playing in the championship. To be with his fellow teammates and hopefully win the trophy. But there’s nothing he can do from the comfort of the hospital bed. He’s stuck, frustrated, and unsure if or when he’ll ever fully recover.
Out of Commission
For lack of better words, I just feel jaded by the prospect of dating. Dating is a game that I’ve taken multiple L’s on. Whether it’s being neglected, cheated on, or just not living up to expectations, I’ve suffered my unfair share of injuries. I’m still stuck in this hospital bed, barely recovering.
And I’ve heard the well wishes of well meaning friends.
“Oh you’ll find someone”
“Just be patient. She’s out there somewhere.”
These words have felt like describing paint to a blind person. It doesn’t do anything. Other than provide false hope that I just need to wait on the perfect one to appear. At this point, I highly doubt she’s looking for me. And I’m too damaged to even get up and start searching.
Ever since my last breakup in 2014, I felt the need to fill up the void. Seek immediate treatment. But if you ever been sick for a long time or even hospitalized, you’re patience starts to wane a bit. When will I feel better again? Why am I going through this? Is there anything I can take to make the pain leave faster?
I was desperate to do anything to remove the sickness of singleness. I made dating accounts, swiped right on dating apps. Even delving into porn from time to time. Whatever it took to distract myself from the loneliness.
But none of these things satisfied me. It was fake medicine, disguised as poison. I then vowed to avoid finding love on the Internet. I was on a university campus and I wanted to find something real. But for me, having too many options is like having none at all. I was around plenty of girls, yet nothing felt right. I wanted something deeper and meaningful, but was escorted to the friend zone with a smile every time.
Digital or physical, my love life became pile of discarded heart emojis and ignored, mixed messages.
Bearing my scars
Lebanese poet Kahlil Gibran once said,
Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.
I recently broke my vow and decided to find my soulmate online. I figured that I’ve grown so much in three years that I felt ready to just take the plunge. But it didn’t necessarily work out the way I planned. Even though I put myself out there, no one was taking the bait. In my head, I thought it was time to leave the hospital and rush into the game unannounced. Reality revealed my scars and reminded me that strength is coming my way.
Strength to find contentment in singleness and recover at an appropriate rate. Strength to grow, learn new things, and have peace within myself. Strength to see all types of relationships as opportunities for mutual benefits and selfless serving. Rather than force the future to come now, I should prepare myself now for what is coming. These scars I bear are roads to a better me.
The field is still there
As a fellow athlete, I long to be on the field again. And I’m sure you are too. It can be lonely and frustrating to wait on something for a long time. Even worse when there’s no guarantee that you’ll ever get it.
The same cheerleaders will be there. Your teammates will be there to support you. And if you’re lucky enough, that special trophy that you always wanted will be yours. Just be sure to cherish it for the rest of your life.
The thought of being back on the field may be exciting. But if you’re like me, it’s best to just sit on the sidelines and wait to be called on.
If you’re able to donate, please visit my website or my Patreon.
I appreciate every cent and it goes toward furthering my brand.